Updated: Oct 7, 2019
So, what is the big deal about sex, marriage and keeping a healthy sex life alive through the stages of our marriages and our own personal growth
As mammals our brains seek attachment and connection, we can attain this through a variety of means depending upon who we are engaged with. If it is with a friend, it may be quality time together, with colleagues it might be a lunch away from the office and with our children its physical touch and play. Well, with our partners it is through all of these means and something extra...sex! Sex is the manner in which we ultimately connect with our partner and we express our physical and emotional attachment.
A new marriage without kids can be a very fulfilling time to create a strong sexual bond. It is the way for couples to communicate through touch, eye contact, playfulness and the physicality of being intimate. During sexual encounters our bodies release hormones that make us feel really good and they even help enhance the love we feel for each other. These hormones are imperative for the satisfaction and closeness a couple can feel in the beginning of their relationship and put us into the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship.
But what if the sex is just not that great? You both have all the right parts and there is friendship and love but intimacy is not fulfilling for one or both the partners. What can be done to fix this without hurting egos?
First of all, sex should not be a taboo topic it is to be discussed as easily and freely as if you were deciding if you wanted pizza or Chinese food for dinner. Do you like it hot, spicy or medium? Are you an extra cheese person or give me the works!!??
Openly talking about sexual preferences and desires prior to the time of intercourse even over dinner or a glass of wine (away from the bedroom), sharing fantasies, watching sexy movies together and talking about them. Did you find it arousing or not how kinky is too kinky? There is also the negotiation of each other’s “no deals” vs. possibly “on the menu items” if the feeling is right. (We need no major surprises that can stop the fun!!)
One big thing to remember is that no one is a mind reader and life is not a Romcom, communication is King and being upfront and honest quickly so things do not become laden with insecurities or fear of criticism. Remember, sex if for both of you and it should be fun for both of you. If you are someone who has not learned how to please yourself, how can you tell someone what you like for them to please you?
I highly recommend each partner have “alone time” to make sure you know what you like and how to ask for it. Let your partner watch you masturbate (yes, it is very arousing!!) and even help you achieve orgasm so they can see you in all of your beautiful glory. Don’t be shy and be willing to explore! There are plenty of fun products on the market to enhance anyone’s sex life and a date night to a store is a great way to spend time together.
If all this is overwhelming or scary to you, you are not alone...most couples don’t know how to do this “talking about our sex life” without it feeling like a trip to the dentist to get root canal!
So, let go of your shyness early on and realize if you don’t say it or show it, you are both missing out of the best part of being in an intimate relationship...AMAZING SEX!!!!!!
If you have any questions or want some support as an individual or couple, seek the guidance of an experienced therapist, I am available to contact and would be happy to guide you and your partner on your sexual journey...